I don’t have Christmas Crackers… But I would say that I have an aversion to them. You see, they have not always been kind to me in the past. Starting from a very young age, I almost choked on one of those paper hats they gave you when I tried to eat it (You can’t blame me for that, I was only young, and it was purple!). I won a plastic thimble a year or two later which I had to have sawn off my finger because it got stuck. Another year, and I suppose this isn’t entirely the cracker’s fault, my uncle told the joke inside his just before I let slip a fart, and the absolute silence that followed (because the joke was that terrible), meant I became the laughing stock. There’s some primal need to trade the little gifts, don’t you think? Even my parents become protective of their tiny notebook or magnifying glass once they realise it’s the best thing on offer. The little metal puzzles were the best, because once you had mastered it, you could parade your unquestionable intellect around both the kids and the adults table.
Things never really improved over the years. Instead of choking on my paper hat, I dropped it on a flame and nearly ruined the day. A little plastic bookmark, you know the ones that have a split so half sits in front of the page you’re on, the other half behind, which was shaped like a dog ripped a chunk out of my favourite book! Honestly, I just got to the point where I avoided them at all costs. No crackers for me!
This year, seeing as it has been such a mess, I thought it was time to give them another chance. Forgiveness, the Christmas spirit, all of that hoo-ha. But they would compromise for me. Instead of a supermarket-bought 24 pack Christmas Cracker, I opted for beauty crackers. Something with substance, a gift I would actually use. And no lame jokes. Or a hat. Perfect.
My favourites are lip products, because you can never have too many lip oils. One for this handbag, one for my work desk drawer, one for my coat, another for the bedside table. That way, you’re never caught out without ample lip moisturisation. It really is the worst feeling to have cracked lips, and nothing to fix it! Don’t get me started on buying a new one on every outdoor trip, because something hasn’t quite clicked in your brain to leave it in your bag when you get home. No! I have a jar of them! But I am always happy to have more, is what I’m saying. So this year, on that fateful day, I shall be supplying my own cracker which I shall carefully open, and reap the rewards of my planning. I suggest you join me in starting a new tradition!